Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
