I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Do you remember whose house we're in?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
