Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
