you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
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