I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
