I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
