I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
