Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
