I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Randomize
