The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
