My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
