Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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