My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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