I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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