Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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