I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Randomize
