I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
