So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
