So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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