dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
