why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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