Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
