Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
