Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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