You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
