He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
