i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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