If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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