apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
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