I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
