sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
