Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
