you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
