I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
