in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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