i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
