Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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