Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
