you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Holy shit dude........stairs
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
