yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
