I only kidnapped one of them. chill
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
what is it with giant penises always finding me
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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