I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
