Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Are my feet made of real feet?
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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