I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
