def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
