Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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