Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Randomize
