I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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