just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
