come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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